I only write when I’m sad.
Dinner with Karen, Julina, and David, and the others from that funny group of people, was Absolutely great. Ben wasn’t there. I knew she’d change her mind about him: we “connected”. I’m sure he didn’t forget.
And here I am, sitting in my bed, in my pj’s, looking at the suitcases on the floor. How sad, isn’t it ?
I can not say godbye to this place, even for just a month. I simply can’t.
It’s all slipping away. In 30 hours to come I’ll be gone, I’ll leave this Heaven. I love this place so much…It gave me so so much. It was cure for all the wounds. It gave me the most beautiful moments, friends, ideas, inspirations… and I refuse to let go off it.
I don’t want to go. I dread that forsacken place, that place of pain and depression and death.
“I’m losing my baby, I’m losing my all…”
Savannah is my home. I love this beautiful place with all my heart. I hate that I have to go back there, to that place, to those people, forgotten, rotting, lost in their own depressed or confused or immature boxes, their self-distructive CAGES… I hate hate hate hate that little town so much…
It is all going to be ok. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I’m not going to cry for this, ever. I will not shed a single tear for that place. It isn’t worth it. I am jsut going to close my eyes, until the nightmare is over, on the 20th of December…
It will be OK, and then in December, when everyone comes back, I’ll stop working, and it will be amazing.
Stefcho, if you ever read this – it’s not just you – please understand, I live to see you too. But it’s different – you want to see me, beuase we are your only close people here, your family. I want to see you becuase you awakened me from my long sleep, and made me realize that I was so much more like you- Bulgarian. You were burning of emotions and ideas and so much love and fire…while I was a fading, once beautiful, flower. I was the rotting fig. You gave me some of your fire, and now I’m live and I won’t let go off the spark. Keep telling people we’re cousins- because we are, at the very least.
“Hands up, baby hands up, give me your heart, give me give me your heart….”
On the other hand….:
I can’t wait to see PAO (to talk for hours and hours, cry, laugh until crying, DRINK until we’re both honestly spilling our souls out, dance, dance, dance…) and MARINA (talk and talk, make fun of people, go to Santa Fe, and LA Starbucks and Overlook), and Ian (i wanna go motorcycling and rock climbing, and swimming in the waterfalls and hot spring and hicking and eating at los ojos and skiing EVEYRTIHNG!, and SEAN ( i wanna KISS his dachshunds and hug and sqeeze them and make moies with seeeaan and jaames and charles), and Craig (aaa my craigles, my best gay friend MUaa), and Finn (hehe), and then after the 20th, OF COURSE Kelly, Stefcho, Stunji, Lusi, mom, Aaaaaa…
When Stefcho gets here, we’ve already agreed on NOT sleeping the first idk how many days – it is inevitalble, we will be talking day and night….
I need someone to talk to like that, someone who has Known me since i was little, someone who udnerstand me and my family and Knows why we’re here and what we’ve been through, someone who is LIKE my family, who is a fighter, a winner, and speaks my language, comes from the same roots…
hands up, baby hands up….
I will miss all the trees in Saannah, and the flowers, the rainy days, the sunny days, the good people, the not so good/friendly people (like my roomates!haha), even the really terrible food…there’s sometihng so beautiful in everything that goes wrong here. It’s jsut such a natural part of life. Nothing seems natural back there, in that place in the middle of Nowhere. Time plays with your psyche – it stretches and kills the joy in your heart with its empty deserts and lack of human beings and life…
I am still grieving, along with my family. Rest In Peace, Gabi.
-Bani
