*fake smile*
SMILE!:
ako ima rai 6te sum tam, blizo do teb…ако има рай, АКО ИМА РАЙййй…:)
Кои си ти ? Не, не ти.
Ти.
Чувствам се добре, но съм уморена. Хаха. (ironically)
Савана, or SCAD….хау юиол’ дуин…И после в Италия (Флоренция) и после в България, но и в Аржентина и Франция ….
отдавна с поглед ме следиш…аз се усмихвам, а ти мълчиш: непозната, може би за теб, но не и когато…
Защо те обичам след като знам какъв си ? Защо ми липсваш след като знам какъв си? Защо искам да съм с теб след като знам какъв си? Точно за това…
i found some old entries from xanga from january and february….i cant believe thw tihngs i say in them:
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Bani- Life and Anorexia
Well…I simply can’t go to sleep. I need to let this
out. After all, what is this blog about ? :p
I guess this is somewhat serious and important ( to
me?).
I recently remembered the First time I starved myself.
I had never before realized, or admitted, the Real
reason this happened to me back then. Those months
were so dark, that I never wish to turn and think and
analyze. But this has been gradually building up in
me-I have been trying to contemplate and analyze what
happened, subconsiously. Now that I’m Strong enough, I
am searching for an answer…
Recently we watched a 3 hour movie about Anorexic
women in my Health class. I didn’t even think it was
going to have such a grant impact on me. I was so
disturbed, that I painfully wanted to escape that
class ( we watched the movie over 3 classes). I could
get into the mentalities of the women, and I felt
stupid and guilty. I wanted to hide, to scream. That
made me think about, why was I the only one in the
class, who got depressed and went completely insane,
crazy, while watching this movie.
It was a lovely spring afternoon. He told me, in a
very manly-subtle way, almost like an insignificant
joke, apart from all the romance and beauty, that he
had nothing to eat and he had been going hungry for 3
days now. That was it. It was all he said, as a by the
way nothingness…Of course, I played along and payed
no attention to it, showed no reaction, as to not hurt
his manly dignity, but he knew I noticed. The moment
he told me, my apetite Immediaely disappeared. And it
did so, for about 1-2 years.
I remember exactly how I felt. I could not let myself
Taste food-I felt guilty, it made me want to cry, or
vomit. Was it fair, that I could eat all I wanted,
while he was hungry? No. If he was hunry, I had no
right to eat. And so it was…I felt perfecty fine, in
fact, a lot better, that I was living like this, for
him. It was alright. We both starved.
He noticed the change in me, and one time he guessed
what I was doing. He’d always make me go eat after
school, and it would be 1 am his time- I’d lie that
I’m eating, and he’d stay and talk to me until 4-5 am,
and then go to work in the morning…
He started checking one me-what and when I was eating.
We called each other “animal”, and he always to me “go
eat animal, or else…*blank*” I always told him I
was eating a piece of chocolate and wished with all my
heart he could taste it too. He’d always say he’s
tasting it. He thought I was eating chocolate, while I
was eating lemons.
I specifically hated orange juice and nuts, because
they were his favorite. They would simply make me
wanna just…aaaaaa, I have no words to explain my
disdain.
So many times, I offered to send him money, and he
refused every time- he wanted to have no “money”
relations with me. Oh, how I wanted to feed him, with
Anything, with myself…And yet, I could give him
nothing but words. That’s all I had. And he always
told me it was more than he ever dreamed of, the poor
soul…
He left Medical School, 2 years before he graduated (
he worked day and night, and studied, and yet he
starved). Oh, how much we fought about this- I BEGGED
him not to leave school, to finish his education, not
to give up, I told him I was going to help him, we
made a plan of how he’d get out of the
situation….And yet, he had to leave.
My parents didn’t notice for a very long time. At some
point, it went out of control. I was not eating, at
all, and it made me feel good. It made me feel bad if
I ate, because I felt guilty. The person I loved the
most, was hunry, and I was not.
I started getting black-outs. I stopped sleeping.
Fainted a couple of times. Started getting panic
attacks, as well as “laugh” attacks, or some weird
nervous conditions. Got very depressed, maybe even
suicidal at times. Kept all in secret.
Well…secrets can be kept until they are too obvious.
One morning, I could not get out of bed. I was happy,
that I was like him, and I was smiling. But tears were
rolling down my cheek, I did not know why. My parents
yelled at me to come in the living room and talk to
them, and I found with surprise that not only I could
not get out of the bed, but I could not yell back that
I have no strength to move. I had no strength to move,
no will to beathe, I was exhausted and tired, of
everything-physically and emotionally. That day my
parents threthened me that they’ll inhospitalize me.
They said, “Bani, you are killing yourself. This needs
to stop. You are not to talk to Moni no more.” When
they said that, I started laughing, like crazy. I
stayed there, laughing for a long time. “You are
trying to kill me,” I said…
Well, in any case. Here I am, a bit more than a year
after this. Actually, this is 2 years after this,
since this went for another year, and I never got
help. I had to help myself and get out of here and the
nightmare and Forget.
Well, I got out of here and Forgot, and now that I am
temporarily here again, I’m trying to Remeber.
Now, it seems foolish to me, that I did this to myself
for a man, who threw me out like a dirty dog, after he
was done with me. Yes, he really needed me, and as he
said, his life was soaked with me for 2 years, but
after that, after he left medical school, he got a
really well payed job in IBM, in the Czeck Republic
and I was simply out of the picture…
He is now Bathing in Orange Juice and Nuts.
Last year I used to wish I could tell him, that just
because of him I was crying in sadness, just because
of us I felt like I was dying. This year I want to
tell him: I don’t need your sympathy. There’s nothing
you can say or do for me.And I don’t want a miracle.
You’ll never change for no one.
Last year, I wanted to ask: Where did you sleep last
night? And was she worth it, was she worth it?
And then I’d ask myself, why am I asking such
questions…
For all those times you stood by me. For all the truth
that you made me see. For all the joy you brought to
my life.
For all the wrong that you made right. For every dream
you made come true. For all the love I found in you…
I’ll be forever thankful baby. You’re the one who held
me up-never let me fall. You’re the one who saw me
through, through it all. You were my strength when I
was weak.You were my voice when I couldn’t speak.
You were my eyes when I couldn’t see. You saw the best
there was in me. Lifted me up when I couldn’t
reach.You gave me faith because you believed. I’m
everything I am because you loved me.
Yes, the pathetic, weak characterless mind truly
believed that. And it has some truth in it. But now
the character is more shaped and defined. It is more
like, “chemical romance”.
I’m strong enough to live without you. I quit crying
long enough. Now I’m strong enough to know you gotta
go.
There’s no more to say so save your breath and then
walk away. No matter what I hear you say, I’m strong
enough to know you gotta go. So you feel
misunderstood. Baby, have I got news for you: on being
used, I could write a book-you don’t wanna hear about
it. I’ve been losing sleep, you’ve been going cheap.
She ain’t worth half of me it’s true, I’m telling you:
Now I’m strong enough to live without you. Come hell
or waters high,you’ll never see me cry. This is our
last goodbye, it’s true, I’m telling you that I’m
strong enough to live without you.
I wished I said all this in January last year.
But all this doesn’t matter right now. Really…I
don’t even know why I’m talking about it. I sohuld
probably try to get some sleep.
12:43 AM – add eprops – 6 comments – email it
Monday, February 26, 2007
Bani-Hello
Well, hello hello.
Since I am so happy and so lucky, I have no right to
complain.
And yet, I do find some things to be sad, but sorrow
will always be around us, no matter who we are, where
we are, what we do. I won’t mention any sad things in
this entry, or at the very least, I’ll try not to.
I am going to college. In fact, I am going to The
College I mostly wanted to go to. Isn’t that funny? I
find it super ironic. I don’t know why I am such a
favorite of the Almighty, since I am not such a good
girl. Or maybe I am…I’ll let Him judge. But, not
being able to sleep from happiness is honestly a rare
gift.
I started this entry meaning to say something
“imortant” and here I am, forgot what it was. Maybe it
wasn’t that important after all. I’m listening to an
amzing song- “Detelini” by Lili Ivanova. Mmmmm, so
alive!
I guess I’m trying to say, that we are all just
visitors. Not just of Los Alamos, but visitors of this
Planet, of this world, of this Universe, of this
physical world. We are too emotional to belong to it.
I think we belong somewhere else-in the World of
Ideas….
Anyways.
People have been attacking me about love, and I don’t
know why. They tell me that I’ve “got it all wrong”
and I’m defending myself and have the wrong concepts,
etc. All BS. I’ve been in love for 3 years. I’ve been
with someone for 2. I’ve been cheated on, I’ve been
left and hurt. Yes, I have hurt too. see. I’ve had the
“before”, “during”, and “after” stages of love.
I am now in my “after” stage. It has been like this
for a while now. I tried to go back to “during”, but
thankfully, unsuccessfully. I find this stage the
best. In this stage I am able to stay mostly sane and
“logical”, as a friend used to say.
Well, as for the Fat One- he’ll always be there. Not
only as the shadow in my dreams and nightmares, but
also in the corners of my mind. Each sentence, each
smile, each step-it’s all about him. It is For him, do
you understand?You should, because you have been and
you may be “in love”. I was telling you the other
night, that Falling in Love Truly Changes You. It
gives you a different perception, a new meaning of
life, the most beautiful sensations…and then it’s
over, like all good things, and you realzie that it
was all an illusion, you were a fool…
Before is merrily happy. During is painful. After is
blank-it hsurts so much that you don’t feel anything.
I told you before- stab me in the heart, I won’t feel
anything.
You know, in the moments when you are the happiest, if
you truly love someone, you’ll think of him and will
want to share this moment of joy with him. It always
struck me how we both ALWYAS shared the happy moments
with each other, even after we “broke up” ( that is an
abstact term that I will use, although my relationship
was abstract, but isn’t love abstract by itself?) They
say all good things come to an end, but he changed my
life completely. You know, I rarely talk to him now.
Once in 3-4 moths or so. Last time I did, he made me
take major disicions. I am very much done with him,
emotionally, becuase I am simply Drained. There’s
nothing more to feel, to think, to say, to hurt. It’s
over. And it has been for over a year…Time time
time. When we talk, we say very little. But the little
we say, means so much. It gets engraved in both of us.
Not surpisingly, we were listening to the same song
while talking. He simply repeated 2 verses of the
song:
“If I share this with you, never speak a word. They
would never understand, if they ever heard.”
And that was it. That said it all. That told our
story. Do you knoe how many tears he shed on those
words?
Have you ever cried with a man, who was not your dad
or brother? Even just on the phone, or maybe just
online? Can you detect when someone starts crying
online, just by the way he types? Do you know anyone
that well?
It was My fault, that noone never understood. I never
told anyone, didn’t even make the slightest effort,
becuase it was pointless- I could Never explain it.
Words are simply not enough…
Like we ironically like to say, 01010101010101001 says
it all….
I still remember the moments in Oxbow when I’d be the
happiest person in the world, cycling in the
mountains, on the top of a hill, screaming “I love
you!”, or whispering ” I know you can hear me, bla
bla”
Instinctively, I still want to share a good song with
him, the moon, a smile, a happy moment…
I still remember the times when we two screamed out of
the window in the dark night, to the stars and to the
moon, and mostly to everyone in the world ” I LOVE
HIM/HER”. From two opposite points on the globe, we
wanted to notify all living creatures, that we’ve
found each other, we’ve completed something
beautiful…
When I found out I was accepted to the college I want
to go to on Saturday, a little while after that I was
thinking how painfully much I want to tell him, to
share it with him. I know he’ll smile, he’ll cheerfuly
laugh, he’d say “way to go, My Girl, I knew it, I
always belived in you, I had no doubts. I can’t tell
you how happy I am for you.” And, I am happy because
I know he would be happy. He always told me that all
he wanted was for me to be happy. Now, please don’t
comment on that. No, I don’t love him anymore. I have
a different concept of love, and I seem to not be able
to name it. I think it’s stronger than love, because
it’s not as fake and artificial. These are strong
Bases, that need no words that I’m talking about. I
always seem to find myself thinking of this…
Well, anyways. Say whatever you wish, think whatever
you wish, but…I am happy I am not in your shoes,
becuase I’ve been there, and I’ve learned my lessons,
and I know I’ll never, ever, do this to myself again.
Nope.
haha, if this entry upset you with my sencerity about
Mr. M, please ignore it, don’t hate me.
Arivaderci 
12:10 PM – add eprops – add comments – email it
Sunday, February 11, 2007
from Banita
Well, it’s finally gotten too heavy and I’m finally
sitting down to spill it out. Instead of tears ans
headaches, I will simply talk about it. That would
make this blog purposful, and maybe it will be the
first purposful thing I’m doing, on my won, a little
step towards getting out of this mess that has made me
so disgusted of myself. It would be something, the
only thing, that finally has some meaning, and it
might make the rest of the reality colorful. There is
always a beginning. There always has to be something
to grab on, if you can’t rely on yourself. Even if
it’s only a word, a poem, an idea…
I’ve become “numb”, an orbserver to the world. I don’t
participate.
It’s cold in the room, and I’m trembling. I will be
selfish and talk about myself. I can’t listen to
screams, I can’t waste my nerves, becuase I’m simply
going crazy, I simply can’t take it. I need to wake up
from the nightmsare, before I’ve made more mistakes
and caused more harm to myself and to other.
I have become a puppet. I am now realizing the
ridiculosuness of my existance. It is, that I don’t
respect myself. There, the truth came out. It all
comes back to when I was 9…
The syndrom of the abused or harrassed, the confusion,
the fear, the fear, the guilt, the fear.
The feeling of guilt shaped my character. To be
liked…to be loved, to just be…respected by others,
to be shown what is right, even it felt wrong. The
ultimate pathetic weakness.
I’ve stopped making decisions. I listen to what other
people say, and don’t respect my own opinion. If I
followed my inner leader, I’d live differently. I
would do different things, I’d say different words.
Last night, I again dreamed, that we’ve moved. I found
myself in Ahtopol, the sun was so bright, the sky so
blue…I was walking with Stunji on Ahtopol’s streets,
and we were giggling from plesure that we were there.
We looked at each other, our eyes smiling, saying:
“See, I told you it would happen, didn’t I tell you to
Just hold on, and the nightmare would be over. It
feels like we never event went through it.”
And then….I felt the urge to go to a church, a small
church, of ancient stones, on the edge of a cliff at
the Black Sea. I became thirsty to simply go and light
a candle, my soul was crying for it-I needed the light
of that candle, to simply pray and say Thank You for
everything…..
I am not a religous person, but I do believe that God
exists. I have wished for very few things, but I’ve
wished them so sincerely, with all my heart and soul,
that they’ve come true. In other words, I believe that
God knows your needs and He looks after you, if you
love him. To love God is to love Life, and to be
honest.
I went to the church, and there I found a bunch of
people who were fake. Lisa-Mary was there too, and
they were playing games for Youth Group- all the
nightmare from the reality here rushed back and I felt
trapped. I didn’t find the sacred comfort, the
warmness, the harmony, the candle, the path…
It’s really cold in the room. But I need to keep
writting. I keep thinking these things, and even
though I’m sure I won’t be able to say all that I
feel, it’s still woth a try. A try.
If I followed my heart, I would have never gone that
low to talk to a stranger for 2 years, and “fall in
love” and diminish from Life, disappear from the life
of my sister, my best friend, my parents…. One
learns from his/her mistakes, but this is the one I’m
most ashamed of….
If I followed my heart, I wouldn’t let other people
influence me, manipulate me. Being too accesible makes
people take advantage of me, manipulate me. And it
isn’t their fault, it’s is just so easy to do with me.
If I didn’t listen to what other people told me, I’d
tell Mecho, that I love him for who he is, and that
I’m sorry I hurt him- something I promised I wouldn’t
do. Even right now, I’m blaming myself for saying all
of this, because I know there is One person that would
tell me that saying all of this is wrong, even thoguht
It Feels Right.
I’d tell him that I was the one playing games, not
him. I’d tell him that I’m the chicken, not he the
coward. I’d tell him that he fixed my broken wings,
I’d tell him how happy I am everytime I see him even
for a portion of a second, that his smile saves
me….That I want to be his Friend, that I respect him
for who he is, that I need to be around him, and learn
from him. The reason I let go of him, is because I was
weak. I realized the whole situation, as oppose to
him. I keep thinking that he is too innocent to
realize the whole situation, he only has images and
emotions, and doesn’s think of what is actually
happening-usuailly intelligent and smart people are
harder to deal with- they need more time to act. He
had no experience, and I should have tolerated that
more. He listened to what his parents told him,
instead of his heart- something I did as well. I was
going through a crisis, and I closed myself for the
world. In that moment, I needed to run, and escape, to
escape from my own reality. I hated myself, and
thought that if i were to be honest with him, id have
to tell him things that he wouldnt want to hear. I am
a burden to live with, to listen to. Like a terribly
sad book, that you wouldn’t want to read. Why would I
give him a sad book to read, to make him sad ? So I
decided to use his “mistakes”, triggered by his
complete inexpereinced mind-he’d agree with what I
said, and part. Oh, it was so easy to do…
I simply don’t have the courage to talk to him,
because it’s already in the past- what is done is
done. I noticed that he’s changed now, matured. A bit
of anger and sorrow hava made him more masculine. I
know he still loves me.
Saying all of this is pointless, but I just can’t get
to the core of the things- I’m lacking words, it’s
getting empty inside. I’ve made so many mistakes. I do
not regret them, becuase if i didn’t make them, i
wouldn’t have learned those sad lessons. I just want
this nightmare to be over…..
I need to shut up for one eternity, and listen to my
logic, my heart. It all goes back to the concept of
good and bad, but don’t we all feel what is right and
what is wrong with our hearts..
A lot of people like to cry to me. I used to think of
myself as the trashcan for feelings in my boarding
school. Last night, I cried as well- i rarely cry now-
tears simply won’t come out. The last thing left is to
be Strong- the desire to save some dignity and not be
ashamed of myself-and crying does that. Crying for
what? There is no one to help you, you’re alone. Help
yourself, like your ex-best friend told you when you
needed her to talk to you and tell you everything was
going to be Ok, you need to get a grip of yourself,
and shut up, stop worrying people with your existance.
Just exist. My dad told me once that he finally
figured out, that I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend (
he meant that i wasn’t eager to experience sex yet ),
but rather he realize that i was terribly lonely and
desperately needed Someone to talk to, to share with,
a Friend, call it a “soulmate”, someone to dream with,
laugh with, even cry and fight with, without letting
go. Something, or someone Firm. My mother told me
last night, that the stupeid a thing is, the more i do
it. She aslo said, that if there is an idiot, id
immediaely stick like glue to him/her, and be their
best friend. I got upset, and yelled back words that i
regret…Her words were true, but she didn’t
understand the meaning.
I had a friend, who said she never cried to anyone.
Not to her parents, not to her brother or her best
friend, not to anyone. One day, she read an essay to
me. The title of it was “Silence”, an essay that only
told me she was a very sad person. The essay was about
her dad, in one page she told her lifestory. After I
read it, she cried to me- she told me all about her
personal problems that tortured her for so many years.
When people cry to me, i often cry with them- i cry
for them, for myself, for the hungry children in
Afrika, for the world…
But sometimes, I am able to hold my tears, and stay
sane- recognize the reality. Then, when I am strong,
I’m able to help, give advise, be useful, be a
participant, and not an observer, be useful for
someone, do something good…
Those people recognize this, and then they hate me.
They see that I’m weak, and they hate me for it…
Now words are gone again, i feel like sceaming. Would
that help ? Would that make me Forget, or Wake up from
my own nightmare? I need to run, to escape. Why do I
have to always have someone to Undestand me? Why? I
feel that if i only had One person, a real person that
i can touch, to be there for me, but so I know it and
I feel it, I’d be saved. But other people are not
like that. The guilt of doing something wrong and
different is present- is this a waste of time? Would
it be more useful to spend this time reading my
biology book instead of writting here? I either feel
that all people arund me are insane, or that I am.
Used to think my parents put me in a madhouse the
first month or 2 in my freshman year. Is it that
everyone in the hallways is an empty doll, or is it me
that is empty? What happened ? Is that freakish guys
that wrote me a long letter last night right- is he
right, that I’ve changed so much that the most
beautiful part of me has died, that I was an “innocent
fairy who got gracefuly smashed by a hippo” ? Just the
fact that I’m thinking about those words makes me fall
even deeper and go around the magic circle for an
eternity…..
I disappeared, and lived in the Internet world, for 2
years. Because I couldn’t understand anything around
me, I couldn’t bear the distructive pain.Why? because
there was nothing and no one Here. Where? here. In los
alamos? in me? in my friends? is it the age, the
depression, the anorexia and the rest? i’m so
ashamed, that i just can’t forgive myself. Mostly
because I was dragging other people down…my mother,
my sister….Oh, no, tears won’t help. This is in the
past, you’d think, but it isn’t. You smell it every
day-you feel that the World has turned her head the
other way, and she doesn’t want to know you, she is so
ashamed. Why won’t anyone come and hug you ans tell
you “it’s ok”?
Because it’s not. Because it is Your turn to soothe
others. You are the grown up, you’re the one that has
to be as stable and firm as a rock, you have to give
an example, you have to take care of your parents, and
tell them “it’s ok mom, it’s almost over, just hold
on, i promise it will be ok” . That’s why you need to
atleast have yourself. You can’t cry, you can’t you
can’t….
My dad told me he secretly hopes I don’t get accepted
to any college, but isteand I stay with him. I am
indifferent to what is going to happen, I only want to
get out of this town, and start Life.
Artists don’t learn how
to paint in college, they just paint and paint and
paint and love the canvas more than anything. I am the
only person who can train my skills and make me
better- me and no one else. No teacher, no artist.
And yet, I’ve ditch my only talant, my true love, my
only way of expressing and proving my existance. I
need to paint for myself, and not for a college
degree, not for anything. If I go to college, it has
to be for science.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pMuEw-9t9Xs
-Бани (Bani)
